We’ve Lost the Plot: Validation Without Accountability Isn’t 'Gentle Parenting'
I was scrolling Instagram the other day, and I landed on a post from a very popular “gentle parenting” creator—over 500k followers strong, and I saw a red flag.
In the post, a young girl (around five) was in a full meltdown. The story was that the mom sat calmly in the room while her daughter escalated, then—eventually—came down the other side of what I like to call the meltdown mountain.
As the child was regulating, she picked up a couple toys from her bed and threw them at the wall.
The mom replied,
“You feel really mad, don’t you hum? Can you roar your mad out?”
Then the little girl grabbed a granola bar sitting next to her mom and demanded,
“Give me that!”
The mom replied,
“I see you are hungry. That makes sense. I’m grumpy too when I’m hungry. Let’s have this snack, then go back to the kitchen.”
A slide on the post read:
“This is what validation sounds like.”
Yikes, guys.
We have lost the plot, and please stay skeptical if you see mommy bloggers giving out parenting advice as a “one-size-fits-all” approach.
Let me ask the uncomfortable question out loud:
Do you think it’s a coincidence—or a correlation—that research is showing a rise in childhood anxiety, entitlement, and dysregulation alongside the explosion of Instagram-style gentle parenting that really ramped up around the year 2020?
Gentle parenting, at its core, has beautiful foundations. Validating emotions is important. Necessary. Healthy.
But what’s missing from the Instagram version is the accountability piece.
And without it, validation quietly turns into permissive parenting, whether we mean it to or not.
Validation Is Not the Same as Removing Responsibility
When I recently shared examples of how we can validate our kids’ feelings and hold them accountable for their responsibilities, at least 50 community members messaged me some version of this:
“Thank you for the examples. I wouldn’t say these things, to be honest….which shows me I need to up my firmness and follow-through.”
That honesty matters and helped nudge me to write this substack.
Here’s one example I shared:
My son had a cold, so I bent the rules and let him have a snack on the carpet while watching a show. When he finished, he tossed the wrapper on the floor and told me his legs hurt too badly to throw it away. This was a child who was in a bouncy-house 30 minute earlier, not on his death bed.
My response?
“You can feel crummy and still be responsible for your garbage. Rest for a few minutes, then I expect you to walk your garbage to the trash.”
Another morning, a different child woke up on the wrong side of the bed. He refused the breakfast that was offered and refused to pack his snack.
I told him,
“Don’t let your bad attitude get in the way of your morning jobs. Waking up grumpy feels tiring, and you can still be a responsible kid when you are tired.”
Be honest—does that sound harsh to you?
If it does, let’s pause and reflect why.
Because if the rest of our interactions are warm, connected, playful, and attuned, then this isn’t harsh. It’s clear and firm which is the definition of authoritative parenting.
What is harsh is raising children who believe discomfort is a reason to opt out of life’s responsibilities.
Where Validation Blurs Into Permissiveness
There are not nearly enough conversations about the difference between emotional validation and how easily it can blur into permissive parenting when we don’t also hold kids responsible for their behavior and words.
Kids need to learn that uncomfortable emotions are survivable.
“You really wanted to watch Is It Cake, I get it. What’s your favorite park of that show?…….I know you feel bummed, and our job is to finish cleaning up these blocks together.”
“You feel disappointed that your skirt is dirty, I know you love that skirt, and you can choose a different outfit for the birthday party.”
“You’re frustrated your brother has your coloring book, and it’s still time to get your shoes on. It’s my job to help your brother with that problem right now.”
Just today, as I was sitting down to write this, I told my son who was dragging his feet:
“I have three minutes before I sit down to work. If you’d like my help with tying your shoes, they need to be on your feet in three minutes.”
Here’s the part we often miss:
When kids do push through discomfort and meet expectations, we need to notice it. Name it. Reinforce it.
That’s how capacity is built. “You felt tired, and still got it done. Thank you!”
Research consistently shows that kids raised with authoritative parenting (high warmth and high expectations) have lower anxiety, better emotional regulation, and stronger problem-solving skills than kids raised with permissive or authoritarian approaches. Warmth alone isn’t the protective factor—accountability is.
Let’s Revisit the IG post
Once the child was coming down the meltdown mountain and reached for the snack, I would have stepped in—not to punish, but to teach.
I would have gently stopped her and said:
“You’re feeling a lot right now, it feels like nothing is going right this afternoon, and you can still ask for a snack in a kind and respectful way. Here’s what you can say.”
Then, after she ate, I would have had her go back and pick up the toys she threw.
That’s not punitive, it’s life skills kids need to feel confident and capable.
Emotions and responsibilities can coexist.
Where This Shows Up Loudest: Siblings
This dynamic shows up constantly with siblings.
When one sibling learns that crying, whining, or tantruming results in getting what they want, the system breaks down fast.
The sibling on the receiving end needs to hear:
“You are not responsible for your sibling’s feelings. That’s my job as the parent.”
And the sibling who is crying to get something their sibling has needs to hear:
“You can feel jealous that your sister took the last red popsicle and still enjoy the green one. It is not your sister’s job to give you her popsicle because you’re crying. That’s a choice she can make on her own—and I’m going to support her keeping it.”
Kids around age six and up are capable of holding multiple truths at the same time:
“I’m nervous about starting baseball and I can do hard things.”
“I’m mad my sandwich has honey on it and I can still eat it feeling disappointed.”
That’s emotional maturity and resilience.
When to Slow Down—and When to Coach
We’re not trying to rush every meltdown.
Sometimes the most regulating thing we can do is slow time down. Sit nearby. Nod. Offer quiet presence.
But if time is passing and a child stays activated and stuck, that’s often a sign their prefrontal cortex needs coaching, not more space.
In the granola bar IG post example, if the child escalated to:
“I’m not asking nicely. Give it to me now!”
That tells me her amygdala—the fight-or-flight part of her brain—is still running the show.
For a child ages 5–12, I might say:
“You can join us at the counter for a snack when you’re ready to speak kindly.”
For a toddler, I might scoop them up, offer deep pressure, rock gently toward the kitchen, and whisper:
“I know you can ask me kindly. You can say, ‘Mom, can I please have that granola bar?’”
This is emotional resilience in action.
Modeling the Both/And
We have a rainbow prism in our house. When the sun hits it just right, it throws rainbows across the room, and we always say, “Nana showed up”—our way of remembering my grandma who passed away four years ago.
One day JP asked me,
“Mom, are you sad?”
I said,
“Yes. I still get waves of sadness that she isn’t here with us. I’m going to take a deep breath, make a cup of coffee—because she loved coffee—and then finish getting ready for basketball.”
I wanted him to see me honor my feelings and keep living my life.
Because this is also the child who needs gentle pushing when uncomfortable emotions shuts him down. He needs to see the both/and modeled in real time.
And sometimes?
I want him to see me do nothing but cry and snuggle in a blanket.
Nuance always lives here.
Not sure if I’m supposed to sign my name in a substack or not,
Kirsten Russell
Temperament Informed Parent Coach
PS: If you want to learn more about temperament and how to work with strong-willed and spirited kids, join our Thriving Together membership hub for FREE for 3 days!