Apparently the Same Parenting Doesn’t Work on All Children
How asking my child to clean up crumbs, and offering them their helmet became an actual personal attack.
There are some kids who feel disappointed and sigh.
And then there are kids who feel disappointed and fill the room with anger and emotions.
Some kids bump into a limit you set and shrug.
Others push, negotiate, argue, circle back, and push again.
I see this all the time in sports. You can tell the kids who view mistakes as valuable lessons, and the kids who view mistakes as the end of the world.
If you’re raising one of those kids, you’ve probably wondered:
Why is everything so big?
Why can’t they just let it go?
Why does this feel harder than what other parents describe?
Here’s what I wish I had understood sooner:
Intensity and persistence are two temperament traits of spirited children — not behavior problems.
And when we treat them like problems to eliminate instead of traits to understand, everyone loses and your home becomes tense and heavy because of it.
Intensity: Big Feelings, Fast Systems
Some children experience the world with the volume turned up.
Their joy is contagious.
Their sadness is consuming.
Their frustration arrives quickly and leaves loudly.
These kids are often labeled as dramatic, manipulative, sensitive, or hot and cold. I’m sure these kids will hear, “You would be a good lawyer when you grow up.” Which isn’t that just a backhanded way to say you are annoyingly persistent and bossy?
These kids have physiological stress systems that activate easily, and when we pair it with some lagging skills we get some big, tricky behaviors.
After working with 100’s of these kids, I can see as an outsider that their bodies surge faster than their peers. I can’t imagine how exhausting it is to be in a body that feels everything at full throttle. These kids are working overtime.
Many intense kids are also deeply empathetic, justice-oriented, and passionate about life. They care deeply and are also highly sensitive.
The problem isn’t that they feel intensely.
The problem is that we often expect them to process emotions the same way less-intense kids do.
Persistence: A Strength That Gets Misunderstood
Persistent kids are often labeled as stubborn, angry, or stuck. But stubbornness is usually persistence without support.
These are the kids who don’t drop an idea once it’s in their head.
Who struggle to move on when something feels unfinished or unfair.
Who keep pushing because the issue feels important to them.
I think we can all agree that persistence is a strength, and we have to expect that young children are still learning how to fine-tune this strength, so it makes sense if it comes out sideways often.
It’s what helps kids solve hard problems, advocate for themselves, and stick with challenges later in life.
But in childhood — especially when paired with intensity — persistence can look like defiance. Their brain gets locked onto something, and it has a hard time shifting gears. Case in point this morning:
Me: “JP, I see crumbs.”
JP: “The toast made those crumbs, not me! I didn't even do that!”
So when we demand flexibility without teaching it, or compliance without connection, the persistence digs in deeper.
Why Intensity and Persistence Together Are So Tricky
This is where parenting stops being one-size-fits-all — even within the same family.
One afternoon, my kids started riding their scooters in our garage, down the driveway, and along the sidewalk — without helmets.
I stopped both of them and pointed to the helmets hanging nearby.
“I worry that even small falls can cause big injuries,” I said.
“And it’s the law to wear helmets. Please come get them on.”
My mild-tempered child replied,
“Okay mama, I’m coming!”
My intense and persistent child, on the other hand, declared with gusto:
“I DON’T need it to ride right here. That is my driveway rule.”
Same parent.
Same tone.
Same boundary.
Two completely different responses.
So what happened?
The difference wasn’t that one child respects me, and the other doesn’t.
It wasn’t listening skills.
It wasn’t my parenting.
It was temperament.
When Intensity Meets Shame
Intensity and shame are quick to become friends.
When intense feelings come out sideways, these kids often know better — but can’t do better in the moment.
Afterward, they feel it:
Why did I do that?
What’s wrong with me?
Punishments that rely on embarrassment, isolation, or moralizing tend to shut intense kids down, not teach them.
Kids do better when they feel better about themselves.
That’s why we focus on building the skills we want to see — and releasing intensity early — instead of waiting for explosions and responding with shame.
What Actually Helps
When we understand temperament, our response changes.
We learn to increase our expectations and support, and by choosing tools that actually work with the child’s nervous system.
Intense Kids Need Help Releasing Intensity
Intense kids need help recognizing when intensity is rising — and places to put it.
When we notice it building, we say it out loud.
“Your body is getting really revved up. Let’s help it slow down.”
Helpful outlets can include:
moving their bodies
using humor or play
changing the scenery
repetitive motions like swinging, rocking, or jump rope
chewing gum
ping pong, bouncing a ball, or hitting a tennis ball against the wall
If we help intensity drain early, behavior doesn’t have to carry the message.
Persistent Kids Need to Feel Heard — and Protected
Persistent kids often become upset when their ideas, interests, or thoughts feel dismissed.
They need parents who get curious before getting corrective.
Helpful questions sound like:
“What’s important to you here?”
“Tell me more.”
“Here’s the problem we need to solve…”
Persistent kids also need parents who take action without insult.
Instead of:
“You’re not listening. Why are you acting this way? Don’t push him over!”
We can say:
“You’re so mad he broke your tower. That makes sense — you worked hard on it.”
“I’m coming close to help keep everyone safe.”
“I’m going to move you to this comfy chair, and we’ll figure this out together.”
I imagine this child’s dignity staying intact, knowing that kids who feel well, do well.
You’re Not Doing This Wrong
If this feels harder than you expected, like you need a set of scripts specific for your child’s temperament….I’m raising my hand with you.
You’re raising a child whose nervous system works differently, and that requires different tools.
Inside Thriving Together, this is the work we do:
understanding temperament
learning what to say in hard moments based on temperament traits
building skills without shame
supporting parents who are tired of losing it
If this post resonated, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
You can join us for a 3-day free trial and see if the support feels right for you.
I would love to support you in learning how to parent this child.
And PS: I LOVE these kids like my own. They are the most misunderstood children, who I support and see daily.